When I left almost a year ago, I wanted to ‘discover’ that I could be ok no matter what the circumstances were. I wanted to know that if I wasn’t ‘in charge’, if I didn’t make all the decisions, if I didn’t control the details; I’d be better than fine, I’d be well.
It was a noble goal (in my humble opinion). Some people are born with the luxury of peace of mind. Me? I inherited the anxiety, control freak gene; so the fear of letting go, unbeknownst to me at the time, was my kryptonite. I couldn’t do it. Wouldn’t do it. If I let go, my world would come crashing down… Or so I thought…
Not only did I not believe I’d be ok, I didn’t trust God Almighty to hold it all together for me. Crazy hunh? Me, christian girl who goes to church every Sunday to worship a Great Big God didn’t think he could do it. He did, obviously. There was no anatomical explosion, no one died, the earth still rotates on its axis. (And those of you with the ‘peace of mind’ gene can continue to roll your eyes at me.)
I set out to conquer my biggest enemy: myself… And I won! I get it… I don’t know everything, I can’t control everything, I don’t need to plan everything, organize everything. It’s ok to sit back sometimes and let God and/or others figure it all out. #selah.
So what do I do now with this new found ‘peace of mind’? I conquer the world, of course! You didn’t think I’d sit my @$$ on a rocking chair did you?
Look, when you have peace of mind and trust that everything will be ok; When you trust that God won’t fail you, that your needs will be provided for… When the fear of poverty, loneliness, homelessness and a bad hair day aren’t running your life; you can take on whatever life presents you. Be anything you want to be; go anywhere you want to go.
With no plan to orchestrate, there’s no timeline, no schedule… So why not use the time I have to serve others, to make a difference… I used my time in Africa to make ME better, and it worked. (Not being cocky, others will testify to that as well ;-)) What if I used it to help others get better??? I could work, right?
So humanity, hear me roar! I’m coming after you… And I promise not to boss you around, I’m coming to meet you at your place of need and serve you and hopefully leave you better than the way I found you.
Then he told them what they could expect for themselves: “Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You’re not in the driver’s seat—I am. Don’t run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I’ll show you how. Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to finding yourself, your true self. What good would it do to get everything you want and lose you, the real you? If any of you is embarrassed with me and the way I’m leading you, know that the Son of Man will be far more embarrassed with you when he arrives in all his splendor in company with the Father and the holy angels.” (Luke 9:23-26 MSG)